The lastest from Baku

In Uncategorized on May 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Posted by Andy Bell

This manuscript fell into the hands of JoyEurovision.com & we cannot vouch for its verisimilitude.

But what the heck.

It appears to be the random jottings of a Eurovision Song Contest competitor from one of the 42 nations jousting for the Grand Prix.

It is written in a form which prevents our identifying the actual singer or country.

Which is somewhat fortunate.


Arrived at the airport or Heydər Əliyev Adına Beynəlxalq Hava Limanı as the European Broadcasting Union insists on us calling it. Customs guy seemed very interested in my piercings as he handed me a leaflet about fruit fly dangers.

The Chef de Delegation, Hans, was detained due to his intense sniffing, cold sweats and copies of vintage body-building magazines in his carry-on luggage.

A 6 hour ride to the hotel which is centrally located next to another centrally located hotel. I think it’s called the InterGlobal.


Bit jet lagged.

No sign of Hans, although I got a strange phone call about my piercings.

Caught up with Sveta from Omsk Rikikasting Omreop – her ingrowing toenails aren’t any better.

The cheese platter was good.


Photo shoot with other singers. Great crowd. Also a couple of ambulances on stand-by in case Engelbert or any of the Buranovskiye Babushki feel queasy.

General atmosphere of benign indifference.

One of the backing singers from somewhere or other asked me about my piercings and local cheese making.

Back at the hotel there were several messages from Hans in Esperanto.


Went to Yum Cha at the International Media Centre.

Several fans from New Zealand or Venezuela tried to grab at my piercings. One of them looked a bit like Hans.

The rest is a blur.


First run through at the venue which reminded me of York Park, Launceston. Oh, those memories of that tour of “Godspell” in the late 90s – Tasmania, Lord Howe Island & Patagonia.

Carpenters still hammering around the place while they nibbled on cheese sandwiches.

Dolores of Radio Tedefishun Gorenska said she thought our song, “I’m gonna love you baby all the way”, has a great chance in the semis.

Got back to the hotel to find a disheveled Hans waiting in the reception area along with several plain clothes detectives.

I ignored him and went to my room to watch ESPN’s coverage of the Zimbabwe v Faroes curling international.

Hans was screaming something about piercings.


At breakfast found Hans having the international menu & yelling incoherently about “Super Extra Wonder Shop”.

He doesn’t recognise me.

Interviews with eurofans.net, chansonagogo.org, katieboyleisfab.com and the Interlaken Chronicle.

They knew nothing about my song.

Composers arrived in the afternoon – can’t remember their names.

Tweeted about Azeri culture, the atmosphere and my piercings.

Went to the first Semi Final.

Spent the evening at the bar with Hans. I am getting to like him.

The cheese cognac was very nice despite its colour.


Rehearsal for the second Semi Final.

Total shambles. Pyrotechnics misfired and the rubber catsuit of one of the acrobats melted a bit. Well, a lot.

His screams were overwhelmed by very loud fold back and the guffawing of the omnipresent carpenters.

Commentator Dirk van der Dirk offered some me some advice about eye-shadow before retiring to write another truckload of ad libs.

Would never share fromage with him.

Growing increasingly unhappy with the song’s chorus and its references to Bertolt Brecht, marshmallows & swallows-a-nesting.

As I walked into the hotel a TV crew from Am Kurant Affyre ambushed me and asked pointed questions about piercings, my cheese habit and Hans.

Cleared the bar fridge in my room and blogged about marmosets.

I hope we don’t qualify.


We qualified.

My flies jammed, the trainers didn’t glow in the half-light as planned and the product placement for the new resort town of Schfincter (“If it’s a cheesy time you’re after!) was obscured by one of those bloody acrobats.

Graham Norton asked me about my piercings.



Where are my piercings and what is Hans doing with Graham Norton ?

Told by the head of TV21’s Moderate Entertainment Department that if we win it will 1) bankrupt the country and 2) result in widespread social unrest.

He mentioned something about “friends” in a place in Australia called Brunswick.

Googled it.

I feel a sore throat coming on.


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